…this Ramadhan & Syawal.
from the previous year’s Ramadhan to this year, it has been a fulfilling ride alhamdulillah. i have made peace with some people, rekindled ties with some, and created new relationships along the way.
and i have also made peace with myself. which is one of the best things i can ever give as a gift to me.
Syawal without my dad this year is somehow different from the previous years. it is year 3 and the feeling of sadness is in us as we think of how much we miss his presence and it makes us cry like little kids, but it does not engulf us like before. the feeling of Redha is not just accepted like that, just because it is fated & just because it is supposed to be like that or just because people say it because they don’t know what else to say, but the feeling of Redha comes with understanding that nothing in this world ever belongs to us, not even our bodies that we have, and that my wonderful ayah is simply with His Creator. even though Allah took back something that has belonged to him all along, He lets us have some things that we forget & tend to take things for granted – he didn’t take away our LOVE for my ayah and he didn’t take away the status of father from my ayah, when He can take anything back (read: back) from us. it may seem impossible for u to imagine that but Allah has His ways and the word “anything” can really mean a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. my job now and my family’s as well, is to be a family that strives continually in His pursuit so we can become a family that is deserving of Jannah insyaAllah, so that we can meet my ayah there when our time on Earth is up. InsyaAllah.
“So glory to Him in whose hands is the dominion of all things; and to him will you all be brought back.” – Yaseen, 83
when u start thinking of death that way, it becomes easy to Redha. it doesn’t mean that Allah doesn’t love me and wants to make me suffer, but it’s because Allah wants the best for us and these challenges that He gives u along the way, some really hard but some manageable, are only meant to test u so that Allah can give u more pahala so that we can all enter His Heaven insyaAllah. ruthless compassion.
that said, overcoming grief is a process. it doesn’t just come like that *snaps fingers* the time it takes for an individual to overcome it varies. along with grief comes denial, resentments, anger, frustrations and other emotions u can think of. no matter how much u ask urself to accept & redha, it can’t be forced. grief does not disappear, it still appears from time to time but its how and how long u overcome it. for me, its 3 years. and in this 3 years i’ve done some pretty stupid things i don’t wish to disclose here, but they made me grow and gave me strength, to not repeat past mistakes, and to always have gratitude in whatever i do in life.
Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri everyone. any shortcomings from me, i sincerely seek ur forgiveness for it. any shortcomings from me that i don’t realise, please point it out to me – but do it nicely & personally ok! =D (not publicly like on facebook, u write on my wall also other people can see in the notifications page. so tak personal. but, i still do love facebook. man… i have a love-hate relationship with fb lah. haha.)
P.S: On a lighter note, i am extremely happy to *still* get duit raye this Raya. people give my sister, people also give me. my brother on the other hand, is perceived as the eldest and “dah keje” and doesn’t always get the collection. LOL. being small has its perks! let’s see how long i can keep this up ^_^ alhamdulillah rezeki.. so i must remember these people and give their children duit collection when i start working later… that’s a start in practising gratitude :)