Yesterday I fasted and I couldn’t stop thinking about my Crunchie chocolate I’d bought last Friday at Candy Empire (which I’d bumped into Fyza – hi Fyza! – who was otw back home from NUS). Busy with other sweet treats during the weekends jalan rayes, I had abandoned my choc and somehow forgotten to eat it (sorry Crunchie!)
I had placed them in the fridge hence while otw home I silently hoped that they were still there for me to eat instead of gone ie gobbled up by people in the house.
So I opened my fridge door and aha! Those yummy chocolate coated honeycomb was still there! Yey!
That’s what I’m supposed to feel right? Happy.
But I felt otherwise. Normally things like this would disappear as soon as they’re placed inside and never to be found again. And normally, the “hungry thief” would be my late father.
I was surprised to feel that moment of deep sadness because I didn’t expect to. When something like this happened before, it would be,
“Siape makan yaya nye crunchie? Yaya beli sebab puasa abih tu dah hilang :( “
Then my dad would grin guiltily and say, “Oh tu yaya punye eh? Oops sorry ayah dah termakan la ingatkan takde orang punye.. Nanti ayah belikan baru,”
During those times I would at first sulk and be upset and then be okay. Now it is that insignificant little fridge incident that suddenly make me think of him and miss him terribly. It is these moments that catch me off guard and catch me by surprise.
I had expected to feel extremely sad during my graduation coz my dad wasn’t there to see me get my diploma. But I didn’t feel as sad as I expected. I expected to feel extremely sad during the first day of Eid, yet I didn’t feel as sad as I expected. That feeling of “extremely” sad only came when I came home from work and saw a group of family with 3 cute kids decked in green under my block walking happily and joking with one another (because we were once in green too when we siblings were still 3 cute kids).
Or when I’m using the computer at home and hear keys jingling from outside – a sign of one of my family members coming home – and would immediately think of my dad coming home from work, as he usually does. Of course, nowadays would be my brother, mum or my uncle.
Or that time after the Stong trip, I didn’t expect to feel so upset and cry so much. (And I usually cannot cry in front of other people). That trip had made me happy and excited but afterwards when the realisation came that I couldn’t tell my dad about future hiking trips stories anymore, it made me feel extremely upset.
It is these moments, that make me realise how much we are so dependent on our parents, no matter how independent you are. Your life is affected one way or another and you change after that whether you realise it or not. When you lose a parent, you lose a vital part of yourself. But you also carry them in you.
“The death of the father does not end the relationship, that continues on in the mind of the survivor.” – Froma Walsh.